14th October 2012

I want things to be clear. Easy. Simple. Please?

13th October 2012

The metaphor of life as a rollercoaster is one of the most accurate descriptions in existence. I don't think I can feel my lungs anymore from the constant ups and downs. I feel honestly ready to give up on this whole trying malarkey. Yesterday I felt almost fine, today things felt more positive and now I don't know how I'm feeling. Strangely lonely even though I'm really not. I feel like a child, a lost scared child. I feel depressed and I'm not really sure why. I know I want to cry but I literally can't sum any reasons up for this. Depression just feels like a natural state of being, like there is no explanation and I just have to live with it permenantly. I'm not really sure quite what to do.

12th October 2012

Sat here at university, attempting to read about 'imagined communities' and race history and nationalism. And I can't. Counselling this morning is still floating around my head. Parents fuck you up don't they, I think everyone has psychological issues and nearly every one of them is linked to your parents. And you don't even realise it till you are sat in a room and your explaining what exactly your childhood was like that you see it. I have abandonment issues and you know what, it's your fault mother and its your fault father. Philip Larkin was right. They fuck you up your parents.

11th October 2012

Nightmares. Waking up from a dream with that sick feeling in your stomach. I'm not talking about the monsters that hide in closests and go boo. I'm talking about the monsters that are your emotions, your memories, your real fears for real life. Chasing your brain, hunting out your feelings. Skwering them. I am at a loss about what to do with my nightmares, let alone what to do with my feelings for you.

10th October 2012

First time in a while I have really felt like i've had a good day. Today was a good day. And its a relaxing feeling, not necessarily a calm one, but one where I feel like some things have slotted into place and I can just...be at one. Sounds so spirital and that is the last thing I am. But I don't feel as if I am lost, or scared. I'm not beaming with a smile on my face, but I feel like today I coped.

Cept when the guy ran after me yelling "I'M GONNA KILL YO MOTHER FUCKER" that wasn't very calming.

9th October 2012

People really love bringing others down. Anomynous messages, internet gives the bitch a place to hide and tear people apart, stretching them in all directions as if they were putty. It is vile. How come they think it is acceptable to treat anyone this way. Because it isn't. It is just mean.

8th October 2012

Depression consumes me. Makes my body go weak, slumps me into bed and hangs me there, making me feel numb, and sick, and diseased. I feel diseased, complete poision to the mind. What use am I to anyone? What use am I to myself.

Perhaps the most depressing thing i've ever written. I need to change.

7th October 2012

I really just...dislike men...a lot right now. Brother's pissing me off, my dads about to pick me up to take me back to Leicester and I imagine that a long the way he'll piss me off. And then theres you. The guy I love. My Ex Boyfriend.

MY GOD YOU PISS ME OFF SO MUCH.

Can't take this headcasing, just wish I could tell you to fuck off without losing this massive part of me.

Bleugh.

6th October 2012

What even is this...?

5th October 2012

Kissing someone that wasn't you was one of the worst feelings. It felt so empty, there was nothing there. Nothing comforting about it. Nothing familiar. Just emptiness. Sure he was attractive, sure it felt nice to have someone seemingly want me, but kissing him was shit and there is no other way to describe it.

I went for a swim to clear my head this morning. I honestly love being in the water. Swimming makes me feel powerful. My limbs know what to do, I suit the pool as if I was born there. Nothing feels out of place, nothing feels not quite right. All I have to concentrate on is going forewards. It is only when I realises that going up and down the lanes is getting me nowhere, that I pull myself out and leave.

I can't help feel like it is all over for me already, and I haven't even reached 20 yet.

4th October 2012

Yesterday I went to the doctors, they gave me omeprazole to get rid of some of the acid in my stomach and stop me feeling sick. Fingers crossed it will work, so far I already feel a lot better.

My ex is still being a massive dick when it comes to mixed signals. Telling me all he wants is me and that he misses me one minute. Next minute saying he doesn't want me at all. I wish men thought like women when it came to feelings. Or that women thought like men. Honestly think that society has bred the two sexes to think completely differently when it comes to love and relationships. To me he is making literally zero sense.

Fed up of certain people I live with not pulling their weight when it comes to helping out.

This has been a moany post.

3rd October 2012

Woke up at 4 a.m feeling sick. World loves to shit buckets on people doesn't. My life is chaotic enough right now, without the fact i've been incredibly ill the past week, and i'm getting worse. Already been to the doctors and it didn't help, very close to giving up and residing to a life of bed rest.

Still battling with a ton of depression and anxiety. Stress seems to be a permanent factor in my day to day life, even if i'm not really doing anything. It is ridiculous.

I am battling with a lot right now. A break-up, with an ex who is being anything but pleasant. He loves messing with my feelings it seems, mixed signals should be his middle name. The ending of my parents marriage, which no matter how much I saw coming still hurts. And there is the fact they are both being general dicks to one another. This illness. Moving back to university and feeling completely homesick and alone. Realising how many friends I sacrificed for a relationship in which I deserved more. I always deserved more.