14th October 2012

I want things to be clear. Easy. Simple. Please?

13th October 2012

The metaphor of life as a rollercoaster is one of the most accurate descriptions in existence. I don't think I can feel my lungs anymore from the constant ups and downs. I feel honestly ready to give up on this whole trying malarkey. Yesterday I felt almost fine, today things felt more positive and now I don't know how I'm feeling. Strangely lonely even though I'm really not. I feel like a child, a lost scared child. I feel depressed and I'm not really sure why. I know I want to cry but I literally can't sum any reasons up for this. Depression just feels like a natural state of being, like there is no explanation and I just have to live with it permenantly. I'm not really sure quite what to do.

12th October 2012

Sat here at university, attempting to read about 'imagined communities' and race history and nationalism. And I can't. Counselling this morning is still floating around my head. Parents fuck you up don't they, I think everyone has psychological issues and nearly every one of them is linked to your parents. And you don't even realise it till you are sat in a room and your explaining what exactly your childhood was like that you see it. I have abandonment issues and you know what, it's your fault mother and its your fault father. Philip Larkin was right. They fuck you up your parents.

11th October 2012

Nightmares. Waking up from a dream with that sick feeling in your stomach. I'm not talking about the monsters that hide in closests and go boo. I'm talking about the monsters that are your emotions, your memories, your real fears for real life. Chasing your brain, hunting out your feelings. Skwering them. I am at a loss about what to do with my nightmares, let alone what to do with my feelings for you.

10th October 2012

First time in a while I have really felt like i've had a good day. Today was a good day. And its a relaxing feeling, not necessarily a calm one, but one where I feel like some things have slotted into place and I can just...be at one. Sounds so spirital and that is the last thing I am. But I don't feel as if I am lost, or scared. I'm not beaming with a smile on my face, but I feel like today I coped.

Cept when the guy ran after me yelling "I'M GONNA KILL YO MOTHER FUCKER" that wasn't very calming.

9th October 2012

People really love bringing others down. Anomynous messages, internet gives the bitch a place to hide and tear people apart, stretching them in all directions as if they were putty. It is vile. How come they think it is acceptable to treat anyone this way. Because it isn't. It is just mean.

8th October 2012

Depression consumes me. Makes my body go weak, slumps me into bed and hangs me there, making me feel numb, and sick, and diseased. I feel diseased, complete poision to the mind. What use am I to anyone? What use am I to myself.

Perhaps the most depressing thing i've ever written. I need to change.